Elections

If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain

The major problem with Democracy, is that no one really gets what they truly want. Democracy always gets in the way. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. I think Churchill said that.

They say the major reason Scotland never voted to leave the United Kingdom was because, if they left, the BBC would have pulled out of Scotland – and there would no longer be a Match-of-the-Day. There’s no interest, like self-interest.

Virtually the only thing that wins elections.

The good thing about Democracy is – well, I can’t think of anything just yet. Leave it with me.

I’m more in favour of a system, where politicians are selected randomly – like with Jury Duty. Anyone smart enough to get out of Jury Duty would be pushed directly into the Cabinet.

One thing to be thankful for, regardless of the election outcome, is that we don’t go out on to the streets and start killing each other. God bless Australia. Australians treat elections like a footy grand final. Sure, you’re disappointed if your team doesn’t win – but when you wake up the next morning, your life has changed very little. And there’s a small chance you’re not hungover.

The great thing in Australia (and a few other super-civilised countries) is that you can be side-by-side with your foe at a grand final and not end up hitting each other. And hence, the same with elections. Naturally there will be the odd fight at a football game. Usually caused by excessive bloating from the shitty mid-strength beer, rather than intoxication – but it’s infrequent.

Imagine if a Celtic v Rangers football game had mixed seating. The place would be an abattoir. In fact, that would be a great concept for a reality TV show.

Even more pleasing, VB (Victorian Bitter or Vomit Bomb, depending on your allegiances) was being offered free around the country after the election. It seems anything can be smoothed over, by dousing it in alcohol (ie, denial and suppression).

It appears we have to spend along time between drinks before a good leader comes along. Maybe they only happen every 50 years, or so. There were slim pickings, this time around in Australia. On the left, was a man so despised by the electorate (about 80%), it was always a mystery to me why he didn’t give it away. I would hate to be that hated. His rat-like demeanor, man-boobs and awful running style left him impotent. He was never going to win – any idiot could see that. Regardless of the polls. I suspect the polls were rigged to allow Australians to do what they love – support the underdog.

On the right, was a pentecostal who spoke in ‘tongues’ – the only time he makes sense, apparently. He is childish, sulky and uninspiring. To his credit, he had a lot of energy and ugly children – and hence, won.

Congrads. May your world be filled with franks credits and negative gear. If the climate wants to change, who am I to stop it.

I’m required to declare my interest.

I’m left-leaning. I love Barrie Cassidy, David Marr and Jacinda Ardern. I despise Gerrard Henderson. I find the ‘Project’ and Waleed Aly irritating – as I do with anyone who thinks they’re the moral centre. I belong to the Greens, mainly because I love being around wack-jobs, shocking dressers and terrible decision makers. It gives me self-esteem.

I’ve no idea why I’m left leaning. I think sometimes it’s in your DNA. My parents leaned either way – my Mother (who should have been left) was a right-winger. My Father (who should have been right) was a left-winger. My Father would demand my Mother voted his way. How we laughed.

Maybe it was my French Teacher at school – a Mrs Douglas, whose husband was Roger Douglas. He was New Zealand’s equivalent of Paul Keating – except without the personality. Mrs Douglas got me a job with her Father-in-law, who was a MP for Auckland Central. A lovely old man. I also worked for Michael Moore – the youngest MP ever in NZ. He got me out of the army when he abolished the draft on day one of his inauguration.

I’m also forbidden to vote in Aus – even after 30 years of paying taxes and representing Australian in World Championship Sports (Unicycling). I believe this makes me a perfect person to commentate.

And that is what I’ve done.